So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Panties = found
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
