I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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