In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize