This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
