We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
