This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
