You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize