woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
