just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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