I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
