I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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