shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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