did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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