My liver just broke up with me...
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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