I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
