I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize