we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
