Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
