just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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