he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
