I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
