ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize