I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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