I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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