i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
