I wanna passion pit in your ass
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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