I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
