im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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