I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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