see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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