this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize