can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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