that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
