i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
