i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
