When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
