If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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