i need an iv and a liver transplant
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
