I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
