did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
