so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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