Are we in a gay sports bar?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
