Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
