I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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