omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
