Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize