He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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