Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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