when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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