My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
