i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
