I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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