census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
